Vaginas: Official makers of coffee. Bleh.

Don't make me smash this off your face.

It seems *funny to me that I’ve had to have this same conversation more than twice since starting my job here. So *funny that I’m going to clearly describe how I feel about this, just so everyone is aware of where I stand and then I will leave it alone, feeling better that we’re clear.

*Meaning annoying. And rude and vile.

Let’s review a conversation I’ve had with at least 3 coworkers/work colleagues in past 6 months.

Me: Sitting at my desk, quietly, typing away and not bothering anyone. (I swear)

One of three jackasses in the past 6 months: Waltzing in my back office space, 95% of the time uninvited. “Oh. There’s no coffee. When were you going to make coffee?” Not only is that a bullshit question, but they are also violating my, Do not speak before 10am rule.

Me: Looking up, silently calculating the situation and the level of destruction I’m willing to cause that particular day, depending on how well or poorly everything else is going.

Sexist, lazy jackasses: “You were going to make coffee, though, right?” And then I get what I’ve been waiting for. The, I’m going to look you up and down like you’re my wife or maid or motherfuckingmother and raise my eyebrow like Bitch, that coffee should have been made before I walked in.

I'm sorry, do I look like a fucking Starbucks barista?

I appreciate that look because it gives me all the ammunition I need to losemyshit and lay down the law. I mean, REALLY?

“I’m sorry. What did you say to me? Did I make your FUCKINGCOFFEE? (I am hissing at this point) What would make you believe that I would make your coffee? Oh, wait. I’m sorry. I already know. Is it because I have a fuckingVAGINA? Is that what would make you think I am qualified to make your coffee? Shall I wipe your ass too while I’m at it? What else can I do for you, immediately following me making your coffee and then choking you? Get out of my office before I hurt you. This vagina doesn’t do coffee.”

All three morons that thought best to ask me were clearly and immediately and permanently banned. From my office, from using the coffee pot and from speaking to me. For life.

Because honestly. Charming me is a better tactic and unless I’m getting something out of it, I’m not making your stupid coffee anyway. And what part of having a love tunnel means I make coffee? I didn’t randomly come in today and announce the fucking sink is clogged down the hall and give you the, Ummm, when were you thinking about fixing that shit, look DID I? No, I didn’t. So take your stupid ass stereotypes and sexist bullshit out of my face before I assault you. On base. Because I will.

Make.your.coffee.

Now. Rock out to this. It’s “Ditty” and it’s an all-time favorite. Holla.