100 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me

Today is a great day. This is The Heather Chronicles’ 100th blog post! Woo hoo!

It took me a year and 5 months to get here, but I’ve arrived. In honor of said 100th post, I wanted to think of 100 of something to talk about. Because I wanted to keep writing, was pressed for time, am heading out-of-town and am slightly too busy these days to be REALLY original, I opted to go with the fool-proof “100 things about me” blog. I’ll tell you, it wasn’t easy. It took me days to come up with this stuff. But here it is.

100 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me

1. I believe that people don’t always remember events, gifts, words that were said, or exact moments in time. What they will always remember is the way someone made them feel.

2. I love the sound and feel of popping that bubble pack stuff.

3. I’m going to name my first daughter Smith. As in first name. Furthermore, she will not be pretentious, which would probably be a first for anyone with the same first name.

4. I love the smell of hazelnut coffee, lilacs, the ocean, honeysuckle and that vanilla sugar cookie candle.

5. I love milk. Skim milk and it makes me violently, rotten ass sick within ten minutes flat of drinking it. Regardless, I eat chocolate and cookies and peanut butter mostly so I can drink milk.

6. I walked down the aisle to this version of “Hallelujah”.

I knew it was right when my stomach dropped, my throat closed and I almost cried at my desk. I was reassured when my sister said it made her cry. I knew it was perfect when I walked out and saw Chris.

7. I love the feel of a baby’s cold feet. Or a cold, kitten’s paw. Both of which make me sound like a weirdo.

8. I was a cheerleader. Don’t tell anyone.

9. I love ice cubes. All of Europe either hates them or hates me for not making them. In the states, we tell kids that too much sugar will make your teeth rot. I think they tell European kids that ice will do the same.

10. All you need for a great road trip is a sleeping bag, a laptop to watch movies, and wipes. Lots of wipes.

11. My eyes are green and blue and gold. That means hazel.

12. I live in the continent of great coffee drinks and it took me a full year to realize that a latte was a cappucino without foam. I like the latte more but I still order the cappuccino because I feel it’s more distinguished.

13. I’ve considered stalking and kidnapping David Sedaris so that I could keep him in my house as my friend. I plan on telling him that one day

14. I like to put on a show. One of my dream jobs would be a comedian if I wasn’t so scared of heckling, silence and awkward moments.

15. I hate blue ink. And red ink. Both vile.

16. My top three favorite beverages are milk, ginger ale and white wine. In that order.

17. The man who plays the cello in the darkness of the tunnel outside the Louvre plays music so beautifully that it brought me to tears.

18. I’ve ordered a white russian at a bar to cure a stomach ache. Because that makes sense.

19. I think the hobbies I’d like to take up this year are shooting, as in guns, and Krav Maga, that really badass Israeli killing technique, primarily because I not so secretly want to be Heather Bourne.

20. The Bourne movies are my favorite.

21. This is my lucky number.

22. “Heather” is a common meadow flower that when taken out of its context and moved indoors, radiates an uncommon aura of beauty and dignity. This flower has come to represent transformation and growth, a change from the regular to the spectacular. I like this definition.

23. I love like a 12-year-old girl. Irrationally, like it’s the end of the world, with no caution and like I’ve never had my heart broken. I think it’s the only way.

24. I only like a very small percentage of children. Give me a gypsy child in the streets of Europe, though, and I melt.

25. I think cemeteries are tacky. I’d rather be mounted on someone’s wall.

26. There is an art to making the perfect cup of tea. I have not mastered it.

27. “Go big or go home” suits me.

28. I have the same nightmare about my teeth falling out, over and over again. All of them. One by one.

29. People who were emotionally affected by the movie Avatar scare me. Trainwrecks.

30. That whole, I’m George Costanza and I look busy at work, thing? Yep. This girl. I’m a master at this.

31. I have no interest in watching the Celts. Sorry.

32. I love it when airport security pats me down. Seriously.

33. I have considered collecting all of the hair that I pull off hair elastics and making someone a very pretty, curly wig, so that I don’t technically have to cut it, just collect. Then I creeped myself out.

34. I knew when I met him.

35. Second goal in my adult life: Be published by The New Yorker.

36. I think AFN TV is outrageously awful and they should be punished for their excessive red, white and blue commercials. Eh.

37. I don’t like going to movies or restaurants alone. It makes me uncomfortable.

38. Pierce Brosnon is my favorite Bond because he’s dead sexy. Or Roger Moore because he could charm the pants off half the world.

39. If it were an option, I’d communicate only via text. Ever.

40. I’d like to have an Etsy site but I can’t craft.

41. I still haven’t finished this same fucking scarf that I’ve been working on for three years. Probably because I don’t work on it.

42. I have great intentions in life, often very little motivation.

43. I drink iced coffee from March-November, or when they start giving me the, are you crazy? look.

44. I find cleaning the bathroom, including the toilet, therapeutic.

45. Doing the dishes makes me gag.

46. My favorite place to nap is in a hammock. Or anywhere in a bed where there can be a window open if it’s raining, and I mean pouring. So two naps spots.

47. I don’t trust tunafish unless I make it.

48. He forgives me even when I don’t deserve it.

49. I want to own a bookstore. Used, with deep, soft chairs and an espresso machine that whizzes in the back room.

50. I believe happiness is a choice.

51. Under no circumstances do I hang my feet off the bed anymore, for fear that I will be dragged away by a ghost.

52. I find running stressful. I run like I’m a SO participant.

53. I still don’t believe in God. Instead, I believe in myself. Seems more reasonable.

54. I lend out books to only those I trust will return them to me.

55. Gin makes me aggressive. More than normal.

56. I think foie gras is overrated and tastes like ass.

57. I settle 98% of household disputes with Chris by playing RPS. I often lose due to my insistence on throwing paper.

58. One of the best feelings in the world is having your hair brushed from your face. Or at least for me.

59. Salzburg, Austria is still my favorite city in the world.

60. I have no depth perception. I took a test at the eye doctor’s two weeks ago. You’re given a who-knows-what-it’s-called-test but anyway, cats are supposed to jump out at you, all 3D like from the screen. Out of 9 cats I knew were up there, I saw one jump out. No.depth.perception.

61. I hate black licorice. Hate.

62. I will only eat apples if they are sliced. With salt on them. Otherwise, they are junk. Unless they are baked in a pastry, but that just has nothing to do with raw apples.

63. I don’t have any gray hairs yet but I know I’ve turned a few gray in my time.

64. I hate the color pink and most things that are red.

65. My husband is one of the most fantastic cooks I know and cooks for me every night. I try to keep this to myself so that he doesn’t get an ego about it. You know, gotta keep them in check.

66. If I won the lottery, I’d hire a driver. A young, pretty, gay, male driver who would also be my personal assistant.

67. I like porn.

68. Grapes and walnuts do not belong in chicken salad.

69. I still bite my nails. Every day.

70. I’m afraid to have kids because I’m afraid I’ll disappoint them.

71. I would rather create fake equations to calculate temperature than pay attention to someone telling me the scientific approach. I feel like my way (times 3, plus give or take 5) works just find in figuring out celsius. Same goes with kilometers (divide by 2, plus or minus 3, depending on the day) and calculating the exchange rate. Charming, huh?

72. I would rather die of starvation than eat bologna.

73.I don’t have a black eye under my right eye. I busted some capillaries crying over a boy. 15 years ago.

74. I love grocery stores almost as much as I do bookstores.

75. Watching The Jersey Shore 1. Makes me feel great about myself. 2. Proves a lot of my previous theories about people who live there. 3. Reminds me of why I’m just fine living here for the next 5 years.

76. I ask for a watch every year for Christmas and then I wear it only until March.

77. I prefer to have six pillows on the bed. Four if I can’t have six. There is no such thing as just two, one for each head. That’s nonsense.

78. I think Moxie sees dead people.

79. I need the window seat on a plane or I.lose.my.shit.

80. I want one of those high-tech hand blowers in my bathroom.

81. I fucking hate nylons.

82. I cannot spell to save my life.

83. As a kid, I only lost four teeth on my own. The rest needed to be pulled to make way for the big ones. Guess who isn’t scared of the dentist as an adult?

84. I want a pixie cut but anyone with curly hair knows what happened when Kerri Russell pulled that shit. No thanks.

85. Apparently my license is suspended in Virginia. Who knows why and as far as I’m concerned, the VA DMV can screw themselves.

86. I love mowing the lawn. I love the smell and I love the way the grass feels after under my feet.

87. I get excited for Christmas when the grocery store put the bins of nuts out. This reminds me that I’d like to be the type of person that sets out the nuts and fancy cracker in the middle of a festive table setting. I am not this person.

88. I sometimes despise our dog Dante because I think he: 1. is out to get me. 2. Is smarter than me.

89. I have already been at my lowest in life. Not sure I’ve peaked, though.

90. I think cleavage is the best accessory.

91. I pee in the shower at least 4 times a week.

92. I don’t blame anymore.

93. I am great for giving advice. Not so much for taking it.

94. Anything involving hand-eye coordination? Not for me.

95. I cut up all my food before I start eating it. All of it.

96. I carry a notebook with me wherever I go so that I can remember people, sayings, locations, how things smell, taste, feel.

97. I fear losing my memory more than I fear death.

98. My thought on people who don’t vote (if you can): You don’t count and I don’t want to hear your mouth. Ever.

99. I think part of my duty as International Liaison to the World (my unofficial title) is introducing my new friends to important American treats such: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, mac and cheese (Kraft) and Slim Jims.

100. I don’t want to be perfect. Just memorable.

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