99 problems but a bitch ain’t one

Actually, I have almost no problems right now, certainly not 99 of them and none including a bitch, unless you include that N-bag landlord of ours with the purple hair. She’s not just a bitch, though, she’s most likely a blood relative of AH (I guess niece) and she isn’t bothering me today but I have a feeling once she gets our “Letter of Intent to Vacate” this week, she’ll pull some Trunchbull shit (like be herself) which will make me want to make this face (picture included). Anyway, if I did have a problem, I’d most certainly be making that face. It reads, oh.so.you.thought.you’d.try.to.fuck.with.me.today, no words necessary.

There aren’t too many people who see that face each week(day). My current landlord would be the exception because she is so, definitly-was-busy-Hansel-and-Gretel-ing-people-earlier-this-century- I-smoke-butts-in-the-pouring-rain-like-an-animal-wear-stretch-pants-at-250-lbs-because-i am-a-nightmare-I-beat-my-husband-AWFUL. Hence why we are moving next month to a better and more lovely house in a different village nearby. That and because she hates Americans, which is why I’m putting menorahs in our windows for the month of November, as an early celebration and to spite her and her evil presence. (**I would not display such behavior for any other person at this time in the country I reside. Unless they give me reason.)

Not that I hold grudges.

Anyway, 99. Today’s post is numero 99 for The Heather Chronicles. Post number 100 is making me nervous. Post 100 should be something great, right? Well, I have no new wedding pics to post. I could talk about the travel I’m set to do in the next three months but that’s boring. (Italy-Germany-Italy-Montenegro-Switzerland-Armenia-Poland) I considered 100 lessons I learned in 2010 but if I could think of 100 lessons one could learn in their 30s, I’d write a book, not a blog post, however, I imagine I did 100 idiotic things that led me to learn some lesson in the past year. Really time-consuming, though, considering I’d want to be all wise and thought-provoking. And also considering no beam of light shot down from the sky, announcing visually that i had “discovered” my true self, I imagine I’m still going to learn a few more things so we’ll wait on that…..

And so, unless I am robbed, kidnapped, struck by lightning, arrested or something else equally entertaining happens between today and say tomorrow or Wednesday, when I plan to post said 100th blog entry, I’m going to have to go with the very generic,
All Things Heather, the Extended Version: 100 Things You Never Needed to Know About Me. Wait for it.

However. I’m big on this, 100 things I learned this year, and so I want to hear what other people have learned. So, to drag these lessons out of you, we’re going to have a contest and if all goes well, I’ll make it monthly. Here we go!
The Heather Chronicles’ “Lessons Learned for Loot” Contest!
Who: Whoever reads about my random life.
What: Email me your best lesson learned of the year (so far). Or last year. I’ll never know.
When: By Friday, 12pm, EST. That way I can read them all and decide while I’m in Italy.
Where: Email your lesson to heathindc1@gmail.com. Please put “LESSON OF THE YEAR” in the subject line.
Why: Because why wouldn’t you want me to send you a few thoughtful things from Italy. Or Germany. Or France. Or wherever the hell I go in the next three weeks. I promise to make it good and to attach a pic of the gift on the blog, to prove it was worth it. And I will be posting your lesson, with or without name attached.

SO MAKE THESE LESSONS GOOD! Can’t wait to read them.