Accent Envy

So just when I think I’ve mastered not acting like an ass in front of my euro friends, I outdo myself. Well, not today, but the other night.

Accents. I have a real problem with accents. Problem being, I want one. I have this mindset that since I’m from the States, that’s the universal accent, like it’s standard to sound like me because I don’t have a sound, and everyone else in the world is lucky enough to have been given an accent that’s exotic (Russian) or romantic (Spanish) or just makes girls wanna drop their panties worldwide (UK). So here’s what happens, which is never awkward for me until the next day when I realize I’ve done it.

On nights that involve alcohol, I’m surrounded by a group that sounds nothing like me, in the most fantastic way possible. In fact, we all technically speak the same language, but none of us ever understand what the fuck we’re saying to each other. Example: people from Ireland shouldn’t ever really have a problem with lisping, because they never bothered to learn the TH sound to begin with. Three is tree and thump is tump and the poor Irish really get it from the Brits but I don’t know who the fuck they are to talk. You’d think they’re asking a question with every statement they make, as though someone forget to tell them not to emphasize the last word of each sentence like they’re asking a question. That and they’re always adding “mate” at the end of every sentence, as though they’re reminding you that they either have friends or that you’re their friend. The French (the real kind, not that throaty, weird, nasally French Canadian accent that makes me think of that damned skunk Pepe Le Pew) actual sound quite poetic, unless you’re one of those skeezy French individuals (Parisians) that make you feel dirty about yourself by only listening to them violate your ear drums with their chatter. I actually think all of this is very charming, and honestly, I’m just plain jealous. Whenever they mock my accent, it sounds awful. Awful as in spot on, in a whiney, boring, high-pitched way that sounds like a cross between shrieking and white noise.

So, back to where I started. When we’re all out together, I get this accent envy and I have this really weird habit of picking up the accents of my friends. It starts slow. I start saying fuck like I’m straight out of Snatch. Then I start saying absurd things like “Just going to the loo, mate” or “Don’t act like you wouldn’t shag that filthy bird.” Cunt all of sudden isn’t the worst word in the world but sometimes a compliment like, “How ya doin’, ya cunt?” and all my statements come out as though I am requiring an answer. I catch myself doing it from the start but I can’t stop. It’s like a trainwreck. By the time I’m on drink 5 everything is fag, bloke, tree, loo blabbity blah blah. And I know they must be horrified. I mean who wouldn’t be. If one of my French friends started all of a sudden talking like a trucker from New Jersey after 5 drinks I’d think they were slightly touched. And so I will be the first to admit that it’s not normal, it’s probably not even that comical, and I really need to stop it.

Or maybe not. Who fucking cares.

2 thoughts on “Accent Envy

  1. Keek says:

    I vote to stop it. You are crazy and again I will remind you, born and raised in Maine. I won’t even comment on your chokeslamming nickname because I don’t encourage that behavior for obvious reasons. And holes punched in bar bathroom walls is not dramatic, it proves a point that I will, if needed, fight you 🙂

  2. Justin H says:

    I agree 119% except I don’t really pick the accent, but nor do I think have one either. Hell I’m from Western New York and most people didn’t even know that outside the City, their is lovely green country land with hill as far the eye can see.. Ya, were my ‘blah’ ‘nothing’ accent is from. haha.. good post Heather, I’m at EUCOM here in Germany and I totally understand.

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