The Good Husband’s Guide, circa 2010

Well, now that I had the opportunity to get my thoughts out yesterday about that 1955 sack of nonsense, we can move on to part 2 and 3 of my, How to Prolong Your Divorce, series. Up today, The Good Husband’s Guide, 2010*. This will primarily be the Heather Smith edition, as we all look for a different husband, but I’m sure there won’t be many girls that will disagree with me. And, let’s be clear, I said GOOD husband, not PERFECT husband. There is no such thing (bonus for everyone). So, in keeping with our marriage theme, let’s get to it.

Act like you have a sack. Let’s get this straight. Husbands=MEN. We do not want to hear you whining. We do not want crying or nagging or does this make me look fat, shit. We don’t want you using more hair gel than I do and wearing pastels is cute but also fair game for mockery. Do not shriek when you see a spider and for fucks sake, you should not have an opinion about the way we arrange flowers, match colors in the bathroom or have any opinion ever on anything having to do with crafting. We will NOT craft together, fucking ever ever. For the most part, women marry men because they 1. want a dick (literally) in their life and 2. want someone who will make them feel like a woman. We do not want to feel like we need to bitch slap you for acting dramatic or like a big vagina. We have vaginas, you don’t. Act like you have a set of balls, and a big one if you’re lucky. (that one might just be me, preferences welcome)

Learn proper toilet etiquette. First, it wouldn’t kill you to put the toilet seat down. Nor would it kill you to flush. And here’s an introduction for you: Husband, meet the goddamned toilet brush. Yes, that thing in its own little resting spot within arms reach has a purpose and its to wash the inside of the toilet from that awful mess you left last time you woke up with explosive ass from too many beers the night before. Make friends.

Make your wife SMILE: This is as simple as it gets. Make your wife smile daily and make her laugh. Make her laugh so hard she cries. Ideally, women will always, ALWAYS pick the one that is funny. And if she doesn’t, it’s her fault. But anyway, if you’re the husband, it’s your DUTY (oh.yes.I.did) to make her SMILE. Dance, tell a not horrible joke, do SOMETHING. You’ll smile too, I promise. In fact, let’s go that one step further and tell her that her smile brightens your goddamned day. Mmmm hmmm, it better.

Mind your OWN BUSINESS. This is very important for all parties involved. The premise is very simple, but sometimes in marriage, this valuable suggestion is overlooked and often, it earns you a divorce quickly. Here are a few examples where a wife should feel free to exercise the phrase, “Why don’t you mind your own fing business?” (“If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it”, also works nicely): Yes, it’s most certainly appropriate to eat onion rings because it’s raining. Giving the evil eye to online shopping bags that arrive like clockwork aren’t going to make them go away. When your wife wants a drink at 11am to celebrate something (the weather, days off, whatever) it’s most certainly still the middle of the night somewhere else and people are drunk all over the world for reasons less than whatever she just gave you. Pour her a stiff drink. Sweatpants are an appropriate outfit choice to wear to the store. On a Monday. If we wanted you to know who was on the phone, it’d be on speakerphone, wouldn’t it? Am I done with that dirty pan on the stove? Maybe, maybe not,but if you’re so into the dirty pan, go move it. MYOB. Very simple.

Take a lesson from Martha Stewart It wouldn’t kill any of you to cook a few times a week (even if it involves grilling), especially if your wife has a cooking handicap (moi). You can even order take-out, a wife’s best friend. But cook, really. Cooking is ooh la la sexy (picture of my favorite yummy chef Sam Talbot, who I would announce that I would screw senseless if this wasn’t a post about husbands) and men that cook deserve blow jobs. True story. Now if you’re MY husband, I’d like it if you could make sure chicken pot pie finds its way into the weekly rotation on a regular basis. In other Martha Stewart related items, the house isn’t going to clean itself. Neither is the garage. The house (including your precious man cave, you all fing have one) isn’t a college dorm and if the smell of you or your belongings for any reason smacks us in the face and makes us gag, you better turn your ass around, get the lysol wipes, the vacuum, bleach, whatever it takes or just burn your shit and start over.

Let’s match moods. If I am angry, everyone better be angry or at least goddamned quiet. Cheery dispositions do not help. This isn’t, act how you want her to act, trickery. If I am sad, depressed, miserable or just vile, no amount of ice cream or clapping like a seal will help. Neither will telling me to walk it off. If I am happy, everyone better be jump up and down, let’s throw a party, ecstatic.

When Gift Giving: Just be thoughtful. Really. All we want is to know that you would not trade us in for anything. Anyone, really. Ask any wife. She’d trade a million dollars worth of ugly red roses (the most vile flower on earth) for a letter listing the reason you love her. Or give her a day to herself at the spa. We love that shit. Or give her something that lets her know you know her, that you listen, that you went out of your way to prove that she’s all you can think about. Perfume and all things edible are for assholes and morons.

Know your role in bed. Pleasing a woman in bed is most certainly a daunting task, I’ll give you guys that. But, by the time you’re married to that vixen, you better have it right. There should be no more, to the left, to the right, what the fuck is your tongue doing there, that is MY PELVIC bone and it doesn’t like to be humped, directives. Also, if you don’t know how to go down on your wife, you are NOT a good husband, there is no negotiating this one, take a class, it’s a fact. Also, mastering the balance between sexing us, snuggling us and giving us some goddamned space in bed would make you a GENIUS. Sweartogod.

Act pumped to be with your wife and make your wife feel wanted This is a tall order, I know (especially if you’ve been together for a lifetime (5 years plus). You should be pumped to see and be with your wife, not at all times, but most. There should be high fives involved, some ass grabbing and a lot of, I want to do yous. Sending your wife a text about how hot she is for no reason (that’s the important part) or saying things that may or may not make her blush is a bonus. We want to be wanted. I’m not saying you lie to the woman. She knows you. But a little, have I ever told you how amazing you look, wouldn’t kill you. But mean it, because if you don’t, we can tell and there will be hell to pay.

Refrain from saying as much stupid shit as possible: This is important. We’ve all ended a relationship because your stupid ass made the make of saying one fucked up thing and it led to this bitch of a thing called resentment which snowballed until we hated you secretly, then publicly, then we had to let you go for good. Now as a husband, you’ll probably get a little wiggle room on this one because we can’t just divorce you for every stupid thing you say, shit, we’d all be in divorce court right now. But you can contain yourself. Here are a few key items to avoid shitting out of your mouth: “Well, that looks interesting (which could pertain to food, your child, her hair, etc) OR “should that look like that? ” OR “Well, you’re not fat” as though husky or chubby was a better answer. OR “Why can’t you be more like (insert whoever you want us to hate for life)”. Oh, that shit will get you all the silence you want for any random amount of timed that seems appropriate on the spot which could be ETERNITY. OR “You’re doing it wrong. My mother doesn’t do it that way.” Huh, your mother also doesn’t bang you out at night, clean up your shit or listen to your mouth anymore, does she? And as far as we’re concerned, sometimes she can have you back OR better yet, it’s her fault you’re like this and so keep the mother comments to yourself. Husbands have been killed over this shit. AND MORE. “Are you going to wear that?” OR “But your sister…” But my sister WHAT? If our sister is hot, you’re in fucking trouble because we know you already pictured her naked. If our sister is a fucking wench, you’re calling us a wench too, you are dead. AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE. “You’re just like your mother.” You just earned yourself a lifetime of no sex and a death threat. Divorce would be a gift.

Know your place as a husband: It is beside me and it’s not a horrible thing to be seen and not heard. You can be the silent partner and therefore, we will have little to no reason to make excuses for you. And remember, all wives are crazy on some level and you’ve probably contributed to it. You will never win.

In summary, husbands, we just want a few things out of life. Be our friend, know how to fix things, hug us, love us more than you love video games, carry the heavy things in from the car, fuck us on Fridays and make love to us in the rain, know things about us that we forgot ourselves, kiss us like it counts, protect us and be good-looking and sweet enough that we can beat all the other bitches at the cookout for the “Who has the best husband contest”. Oh, it exists.

*this is the disclaimer where I note that this post is not about my husband or my previous relationships with men. But it kind of is. A little bit.