Proof I’m not Pregnant Week

Today I want a do-over. I feel awful and I am acting like a wretched troll to prove how very awful I feel. Except I’m alone in my bed, acting wretched only to myself and when Moxie decides to pay attention and so no harm done. In fact, it’s best I’m alone right now being miserable because no one should be subjected to me today. I am sick, I want attention while being left alone and I want to wake up tomorrow and feel better.

No, I am not hungover. It’s Proof I’m not Pregnant week and typically I am thrilled to just have proof that I am still without child (am still determining how great of an idea it would be for me to be responsible for someone for life. Currently, still doesn’t seem like the world’s most brilliant idea, but I’m still working on it) and things go very smoothly. I do not (typically) become a raging bitch just because I’m bleeding and I don’t need midol in large quantities or heat packs or any of that dramatic nonsense that I’m typically convinced girls do just to get attention. But what the fuck. For two days straight, I can’t stand. And today, something is trying to claw it’s way out of my uterus and through my stomach, if my uterus is where I think it is, which to be honest, I have no idea exactly where it is besides somewhere between the top of my legs and below my stomach. I want to throw up (again) and Chris actually said to me, Are you making a trying to swallow my own throwup in my mouth, noise, Heather? I feel like I have a fever, my head is pounding and I couldn’t eat the thai food we ordered. I fing love thai food. I even tried taking a potentially deadly amount of advil and still nothing. I’m still hunched over like an old woman, I’ve been in bed since 1pm and I caught myself whimpering. I spent an hour today staring at a wall trying to determine if this was the flu timed perfectly during my Joys of Having a Vagina Week and then Sarah Mclachlan’s “Do what you have to do”

came on my playlist and I burst out sobbing like a lovesick lunatic. Then I hit repeat three times in a row, rolling around in my bed, crying and flailing around about losing a lover for absolutely no reason WHATSOEVER before I got ahold of myself and took out my headphones. I cannot be trusted with dramatic love songs today. I am apparently an emotional trainwreck. I also cried when Dante tried to bite me today for no reason and realized I was losing it when I found myself reading quotes from the Notebook online which is just absurd and dramatic but was a good reminder of why it’s my most favorite love story ever but again, I will not be watching it today for fear that the bleeding has caused me to also lose my mind and common sense. (Seriously, though, is the kissing in the rain scene not the best scene ever in romance history? )

So. I feel awful and I look like I was caught in a hurricane. I looked at myself in the mirror and was horrified. My feet are dirty from walking around outside with no shoes on, my shorts look stupid and my shirt is dirty, I have makeup smeared on my face from last night and my hair looks like I was caught in a windstorm. The sight of me today even makes me want to cry and I HATE CRYING. Goddamnit.

In other news, Chris told me I could start using the word Nazi freely as we just met our very first Nazi on Thursday when that dumb, fat, bitch, purple haired, vile, evil, whore, black souled, big mouthed TROLL excuse for a landlord came to my house. For the past year I have been asked to please not use that word for fear of deportation and because I suppose it’s just not nice even though it’s not MY fault these people put people on trains to ovens and waterless showers but whatever, I tried to keep my belligerence in check but now I no longer have to because we met one and she looks like the goddamned TRUNCHBULL and if I didn’t already feel like shit, I’d tell that story but that story raises my blood pressure still and I can’t have that when I’m feeling this awful. So, hopefully tomorrow I will be back to normal and can share with the world the story of why we’re moving by the spring and how I met the most evil person on the face of the earth.

So now I’ve exhausted myself and so I’m going to go back to rolling around my bed, watching dramatic movies and being generally miserable. Night, night.