Maine-bound and why I am breaking up with Tom Brady

So this is pretty timely, me talking about Tom Brady, considering I touch down in Boston TOMORROW AFTERNOON!   Woo hooo, I am so excited to head back home for 9 days.  I haven’t been home in almost 9 months and I am beyond tickled that I get to spend some time with my family and friends ON THE WATER.  Yes, I have really been missing the water. In fact, we’re all having lobster on the beach tomorrow night when I get in (picture to the left is the view from the restaurant, I cannot WAIT!). 

While in Maine, I will do my typical home during the summer routine, which simply involves a rotation of excessive lobster eating (excessive butter intake), no shoes in the grass walking, Dunkin Donuts iced coffee binge drinking (3 a day), outlet shopping (one paycheck at least), Fort Foster visits (my most favorite place on earth), Eastern Mountain chinese takeout (ohdeargod there is nothing better than EM chinese, sweats and hanging at Katie’s), Portsmouth drinking (tequilla shots at TJs), and lots and lots of time with the family and my girls.  That and I’ll have plenty of downtime for reading, writing and relaxing in the land of The Way Life Should Be.   It should be a fantastic nine days.

Now, moving on to something that has been bothering me all week but I have NOT had the time to address it. First, let’s take a look at this picture of Mr. Brady in green.   I never thought it’d have to come to this but seriously, Tom Brady is pissing me off.  I won’t even get into his performance on the field or the fact that his little injury two seasons ago has almost singlehandidly RUINED two falls in a row and we KNOW how much I love the fall.  Ruined.  And then he marries the most beautiful person on earth, has kids, all of which I think distract him from his job, which is winning me more Super Bowl rings, and then he goes and does this.   

What in the living fuck is he doing?  Has he lost his mind?  He is not 21, a surfer, in a boy band, a fraternity, or anything else ridiculous that would make this ok.   What is ok is the OTHER picture I posted.  That is ok, Mr. Tom girls around the world want to lick you in public undress you every Sunday with my eyes you have an amazing ass Brady.  This shit you are pulling while galavanting in public looking like that tiny little girl faced singer Justin Bieber is outrageous and I insist you get your shit together by August.  I do not like pretty men and he is prettier in this picture than I’ve been in months and that is shit.

That is why I’m breaking up with Brady.  I’m sure he’s heartbroken.