So, it’s been a really long time since I’ve written and it’s almost embarrassing how lazy I am. I could never be a writer. That would actually involve sitting down to write, something I’m clearly not capable of. So, in the spirit of lent, maybe I should give up laziness. Oh wait, lent was last week, when I meant to post this. Ugh.
So we’ll make this post a reminder: I don’t do lent and I don’t know why people always ask me what I’m giving up, like all of a sudden this year I’m a good little Catholic. I don’t even feel like I have to do lent. My parents didn’t take the time to get me communionized and therefore, I don’t eat the Jesus wafer ever, avoid it in fact, because it’s so dry and disgusting and thin that it’s like I can taste the crackling skin of Jesus himself and no thanks. Not interested. That and the grape juice or wine does not taste like anything but blood, which is the church’s fault for advertising it as the blood of Christ so ugh, no. Disgusting. Anyway, no communion to me means I’m really not that Catholic at all and therefore practicing lent is like a Jehovah throwing a birthday party, or close enough.
Besides, I will always find a way to give up something stupid for 40 days. Like chips. God forbid I give up chips and crackers or snacks as a whole category. No. I would give up BBQ chips, the flavor I would never buy in the first place. Or Doritos, because I could just eat Cheetos or Lays for a month or so. It’s like the year my sister gave up the juice Twister in college for lent. I guess she had a real addiction to that Twister and so just one juice went, not all juices. It would be like me giving up Fanta, the new love of my life, and it’s just not going to happen.
Another thing I’m not giving up, but people love to suggest it. Swearing. Two words. Fuck no.
Also not going to happen is giving up alcohol, something that just doesn’t make sense to me. While it would be the best thing to give up and most certainly the most difficult as the party here in Europe continues, I feel like I would be letting down my fellow Irishmen. But this I don’t get. I am 50% Irish and I can show you my liver to prove it. But aren’t half of the people of Ireland Catholics, meaning 50% of the people should give up something difficult, which in Ireland would also be booze or at the very least, just Guinness? Well if they’re all Catholic, giving up booze during lent, then how the hell was St. Patty’s Day put smack in the middle of March and lent? That just does not make sense and so I feel that giving up booze during lent does not make any sense, especially if you can track 1% of your heritage to Ireland. I bring this up primarily because a friend of mine gave up alcohol for lent last week and that was AFTER he had booked a trip to Dublin for St. Patty’s Day. Weird. Guess it’s one of those, I’m giving it up for lent EXCEPT on St. Patty’s Day…..which to me makes perfect sense, but to the church, or whoever is tracking going to hell based on breaking Lent promises, I’m sure that’s just not going to fly.
And so, no, I will not be giving up anything for Lent this year again, surprise, surprise, unless I think of something really original now…something worth starting a week late. I did remind Chris last week, though, when Lent began, so that if anyone who perhaps might be blood related to him and might go to church and might ask like they sometimes do, he can be prepared like a good Catholic boy would be. He should give up sinning. At least that’d be an honest start. 😉
Now, there, I have covered Lent, which I meant to do last week and so I feel better. I hope you all gave something up, are serious about it, are going to heaven, God loves you, yadda yadda.
This week I’d like to cover the following, which I will start tonight:
The sting operation that now has to be set up in my house and why. I think it will involve dental floss and metal cans and video taping and the like.
A regular update on “Things Moxie Hates”, which I will admit is a spin-off of the HILARIOUS page “Shit my Dad Says” which is some of the funniest stuff ever written, or said for that matter. This week Moxie hates the following, which I can elaborate on. 1. People that luge. I have her hating a particular luger on tape. I will see if i can figure out how to post it. 2. African-Americans. I am not sure where she got this racism from…certainly not me, but it’s really embarrassing when she loses it around anyone that doesn’t look quite like me. And when I say not quite like me, I mean the opposite of milky, meaning people of color. True story. 3. Huge trucks going over 75 mph on the highway. She hates them and tries to attack them every time. So that’s what she hates this week. The list gets better, I promise.
Mmm…what else? I’m reading another Sedaris book this week–Me Talk Pretty One Day. I have another list of favorite quotes and it’s sad I spend so much of my time thinking while reading each chapter, “I want to marry you, Mr. Sedaris.” when he has his Hugh and we both like penis.
Speaking of penis. I saw a lot of it this weekend in Paris and I’m not referring to Chris’. The Louvre houses thousands of them and I think it’s safe to say 90% of them were of the hoodie variety. (anteater, snuffleupagus, whatever you prefer to make it cute) That’s more than I wanted to get into today, but we all know the topic of anteaters gets me really worked up. More to follow.
Happy Monday, everyone.