So, even though yesterday I was bitter about some aspects of wedding planning, today I am not because I am back in Germany, dinner is on the stove, my sweats are on and it’s the weekend. That and Chris and have booked our wedding location for October 2010.
I had only a few requests in my initial planning (New England, fall, lake, cupcakes), primarily because getting me getting married deserves a giggle. Marrying Chris is nothing to laugh at. That’s the easy part. Someone marrying me is comical. Bitter, aggressive, loud, not so warm and fuzzy, me. Actually, I once had to defend the fact that I’m not a prickly monster to a friend and when you have to do that, some part of you is surely prickly and I already know I’m a little monster. I think what’s so amusing about my new found interest in wedding planning is that I never wanted to get married to anyone. This has nothing to do with Chris. This has everything to do with the fact that I believe(d) marriage is evil, no one is ever happy, people just end up hating each other and well, I just didn’t see what the big fuss was. That and I never saw the sense in having joint anything. That is just asking for trouble and I don’t like sharing. I don’t share food and I don’t share my beverages. I get really crazy if anyone creeps over onto my side of the couch or the bed (unless invited) and my anxiety level goes through the roof if I think I’m not going to get my fair share of whatever I want to get my hands on. This is why I do not share popcorn when at the movies and I think ordering for three people, not two, is a better idea when it comes to takeout. Actually, that last part might have more to do with this fat girl syndrome I’ve picked up somewhere, but either way, I’m selfish and I have never been good at that whole selfLESS thing. And, I have a slight issue with not wanting to need anyone. (which I don’t, for the record)
But then again, I’m a liar. What somewhat prompted me to even write any of this was a line in a movie I watched recently. It was a movie about a breakup and near the end, the guy asked his ex why she married someone right after him and she said, because one day with him I woke up sure of something I never was with you. (or something to that effect…I’m really so terrible with quoting movies.) That’s exactly it. That’s the only reason you actually ever need to marry someone, right? Fuck everyone else and their need for some long, drawn out, moons aligning explanation, right?
Well, I only owe one person an explanation, and that person would be Chris. One day, while driving around in northern Germany, trying to figure out this wedding stuff, the weird world of purgatory, I mean engagement, and all that is awkward relationship talks, he had to go and ask me one question that should have been really easy, and instead, it was really, really fucking hard to find an answer. And so I gave no answer, which was really, really so awkward of me. And weird. I have an answer for everything and I knew the answer to this when he asked. I just didn’t say anything. Bravo, genius. If it was a test, I failed miserably. I probably deserved to have my ring taken back. (which actually will never happen. I’ve already made it quite clear that thing would be sold at a discount before I’d ever give it back.)
“Why do you want to marry me?”
Well, my god, if you ever wanted to make me draw a blank, ask me the million dollar question in a confined space, going 200mph in a foreign country while my visa is expiring. Perfect. I knew the answer and I said nothing.
What I should have said was this. I want to be married to Chris because I don’t think there is anyone else on this earth that knows how to harass him as discreetly and thoroughly as I do. It makes my day when I can make him laugh and when he laughs really hard, I feel like I won the blue ribbon. When he’s not bothering me by invading my space on the couch, we fit like a puzzle and he has a way of engulfing me that is neither overbearing or suffocating, but comforting and warm. He’s one of the most loyal, generous, relaxed people in my life and he was my best friend for years before we were finally together. He’s funny, really funny, in the dry and sarcastic way I prefer…even though he’s not as funny as I am. (he knows this..I tell him often) Every day with him is a choose your own adventure book and there’s no chance we’ll ever be that couple that just got bored. He’s seen me at my most hateful, ugliest, helpless, distraught self and never left me, even when I probably asked him to. He doesn’t fight me when I throw fits in airports or other public places. He mocks me until I laugh at how insane I really am. We can secretly communicate with nods of the head and eye movements and I know what he’s going to say before even he does…and most of the time I just tell him to keep it to himself. While most people go to bed angry or scream and fight in public, we settle disputes with a simple game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Works like a charm. Being with Chris is like having your very own playmate around all of the time. And for the first time in 30 years, I get to be with someone who I not only love all of the time, but I actually kind of like him most of the time, too. Alright, all of the time. 🙂 And this. This sappy, gooey, gross post. This is what he did to me. That’s how I know.
And so that’s why I’m getting married to Chris, next fall, on the lake, at this house in Maine.